It is now estimated that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Even though there is an abundance of counseling and marital therapy available, it is not helping to stem the tide of break ups and bitter acrimony that is tearing apart one of society’s most important institutions. When you become aware that everything is no longer going the way you would like in your marriage situation, these statistics can only add to the fear and apprehension that you must be feeling. It is necessary to do as much research as possible into the causes of marriage breakdown, and to find out what advice has actually led to apparently failed marriages being saved.
Talking to one another is especially difficult when a marriage has begun to break down, and it is virtually impossible to repair marriages in acute distress without involving the services of a third party who is not involved. This third party can see, with detachment, things that the warring parties themselves will not be able to see. They are too involved, too caught up in fraught, emotional situations to be able to rationally try to see the other person’s point of view. Often the emotion will be worse in a marriage that is worth saving, than in one where both parties have given up.
When both parties have completely given up, there can be a kind of emotional release, as there is nothing left to lose. The sign of a lot of emotion, whilst initially disturbing, is actually a positive sign. It can be taken as evidence that at least one, and usually both, of the partners has a deep desire to see the failing marriage improve, and be put back together again. Although there are no quick, easy, painless fixes in a situation like this, you have to build from somewhere. A foundation of deep desire is very encouraging to a marriage therapist or counselor. It gives a sign of hope.
It will involve a lot of hard work to save a failing marriage. Although, divorce can seem like an easy option at times, this is really an illusion. If a marriage is ended in haste, without a full effort being made to save it, there will almost certainly be an element of guilt emerge. It is very, very bad advice to end a marriage prematurely. Yes, there are cases where divorce is the correct answer. Let this happen, though, only after the right amount of effort has been put in to try to save the marriage. The minds and consciences of the parting couple will then be unencumbered with unnecessary guilt, and they will be able to move forward in optimism and hope, knowing they did the best they could.
People do change, and it is not always the best course of action for a marriage to be saved. Sometimes the end is best for everybody. It does have to be said, however, that these cases are very much in the minority. In the vast majority of cases, with the right professional help, the situation can be rectified, to the great satisfaction and relief of everyone involved. The primary focus of marriage counseling should always be reconciliation, with divorce only seen as a last resort, in situations where the people really have changed, and it is appropriate to move on.
Online Information
The best piece of advice that can possibly be given to people struggling with their marriage is don’t suffer alone. Seek the help of a competent, knowledgeable, independent third party, who will be able to notice what the people involved will never notice. A detached viewpoint is the greatest asset that a couple can have. When you go to see a person like this, it is absolutely vital that each partner is allowed to say their piece without interruption from the other. Any form of interruption will only lead to increased tension and resentment, and the belief that the interrupting partner is not respecting the viewpoint of the other partner.
The right to disagree is something that must be fundamental in any approach to marriage counseling. No two human beings ever agree about everything, no matter how close they are, but the people who have good relationships will respect each other’s opinion, and their right to hold it. When couples with marriage problems see a counselor, they are usually found to argue, and often talk over the person who should have the right to speak. This is the first thing that a good counselor will work on. Allied to getting the partners to respect each other’s opinion, is the need to realise that feelings and emotions need to be accepted and not judged.
Of course we now have much freer and easier access to information than generations of the past, due to the internet. Many couples can access websites packed with helpful information, often in their own living rooms. Much of the information on these websites is written by people who have personal experience of the situations they are giving advice on, and some are even professionals in the field. It can never do any harm to use your favorite search engine to find out as much as you can about the different approaches to marriage guidance and counseling.
The one caveat is that it is unlikely that you will be able to save your marriage just be reading what is on the internet. Unless it is a situation where there is only a very mild problem, and still a lot of harmony and empathy between the couple, there will usually be too much emotion and tension for this kind of approach to work. It is one thing reading cold words off a page, it is quite another to apply those words in a situation where there is emotional distortion making the facts seem bigger than they really are. When problems have gone this far, there is no sensible alternative other than to bring in a competent, detached professional.
One of the big advantages of the internet is the ability it gives for multiple people from all over the world to contribute to a discussion. This is especially true with online forums and discussion groups, which are available on just about any topic you can think of. There are several forums online which deal with marriage breakdown, and you can find many people on these boards who will have been through similar situations to yourself, and will be on the forums trying to help out anyone else who has to go through it.
Best Books About Saving Your Marriage
Although the internet has given us wonderful resources that were denied people of previous generations, such as the online discussion forums which feature people from all over the world, there is still something comforting and reassuring about owning a book which can be referred to time and time again, especially if that book is written by an acknowledged expert, and is already proving helpful in solving one of your most pressing problems. Marriage guidance and counseling is a subject which has no shortage of book written about it, which you can find in your local bookstore, or on internet sites like Amazon.
If you type “save marriage” into Amazon, you will find a whole mass of books with either five, or four and a half, star ratings. The first of the five star rated books is called “We can work it out : How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage” by C. Notarius and Howard Markman. This book has got some very positive reviews from members of the public, including people who have actually managed to save their marriages by using the techniques in the book. The book is based around the concept of “Better Talk”, which was the culmination of twenty years of research into relationships and relationship problems. The conclusion the authors came to was that most relationships that work involve the couple having the capacity to work through their differences.
Another highly rated book is “When Love Dies : How to Save a Hopeless Marriage”. This one does have some negative reviews printed, so it is clearly not for everybody, but again there are people who have read this book , and credited it with actually saving their marriage. This book will clearly appeal most to people who hold Christian beliefs, as the subject of God and religion is brought up in the book. We have very different views from readers, however, as one person states that “it was not a religious, preachy type of book”, yet another reviewer describes it as “religious propaganda disguised as a relationship book”.
“How to Save Your Marriage Alone” by Dr. Ed Wheat is rated highly, despite severe criticism that it is even more fundamentally religious than the previous book. Again this will be very much down to your own beliefs and taste, whether you want to buy in to a book such as this, and the advice it gives. If you are a Christian, it is a very small investment just to see if the ideas in the book resonate with you. It does also have to be said that there is even one review from an atheist who found the book helpful.
You can also find both online and offline magazines which will deal with relationship issues, from many different points of view. Although the treatment of serious problems will never be as comprehensive as it would be with a full book, many of these magazines will contain tips that may complement what you can find in the best books, and of course they are bound to be full of inspiring stories from people who are solving their problems, and are on the way back to saving their own marriages. There is nothing like an example of somebody successfully beating the problem to give you the inspiration to tackle it yourself.
Problems and Pitfalls with trying to Save Your Marriage
Although it is certain that the vast majority of people having marriage problems would like to work on them and try to get their life back to how it was before, there are some cases where it just isn’t possible. Sometimes one, or maybe both, of the partners will have changed. Not all marriages can be saved, or should be saved, but I think it is fair to say that all marriages should be tried to be saved. If a couple give up on the marriage too soon, there are bound to be guilt feelings. Once you have proven that the marriage can’t work, you can then go your separate ways, knowing that you did everything you could.
One of the reasons often given for couples who are having trouble staying together is that they are “doing it for the children”. This is highly understandable, as children need both parents to have a full, balanced development. Indeed, if a marriage does break up, there are often enormous guilt feelings attached, because if one of the partners believes they have “failed” in some way, they will believe that that “failure” is going to damage their children. It is important to understand, however, that if a marriage stays together when it really should break up, just for the sake of the children, then there is likely to be a negative emotional effect on the child beyond that of divorce.
At least in a divorce situation the child will not be subjected to the sight of rowing parents, and possibly even worse. The sight of extremely distressing situations can cause serious mental problems, especially in very young or sensitive children. When a marriage does break up, the responsibilities toward the child are basically not changed. The parents brought the child into the world, so they have a responsibility to bring up and maintain the child. Children are resilient, and if a marriage genuinely cannot be saved, they will understand. Although there will still be great sadness and emotional trauma, eventually the child may benefit from improved relationships with both parents now that the tension has gone.
One of the essential factors in trying to put together a failing marriage is to realise that, in effect, you are dealing with two separate issues, and even two separate clients. Both partners in the marriage will have their own individual needs that may or may not be being met by the other party. One of the great skills of a trained marriage practitioner is to recognise these separate needs, and to try and find the extent to which the separate needs are being met. A failing marriage is never one problem. It is always a combination of both parties’ needs not being properly met.
Another possible pitfall is in thinking that the marriage therapy only takes place in the counselor’s office. Although the time in the office is where the treatment starts, it is what happens outside the office that will eventually determine its success or failure. A counseling session is really just a preparation for what happens next. A good counselor will always give the couple “homework”, which they will need to work on in order to make the session “work”. Just going back into the old routine and not working on the counselor’s advice is a very common pitfall.
Top 10 Tips About Saving Your Marriage
Here are 10 Tips, and some Hints and Advice on saving your marriage, or making the break up as painless as possible should it prove to be inevitable.
1 – Don’t leave it too late
When you become aware that your marriage is having problems, seek the help of a competent professional, as soon as you can. The detached advice of someone who can see the problems with a professional eye could make all the difference.
2 – Find a Counselor
If you are having problems, try to find a marriage counselor. Try to do your research if you can, and find out who is highly recommended.
3 – Ask your friends or neighbors
If you know people who have had marriage problems which are now getting better, ask them for a referral to the practitioner who is helping them.
4 – Try to understand the other person’s point of view
Don’t get stuck in trying to see everything from your own angle. Try to turn it round, and see what the other person is feeling.
5 – Make sure you do your homework
If you do see a marriage counselor, it is important to realise that what goes on in their office is only the start of the treatment. You need to take on board what is being said, and try to work it out at home.
6 – Try to see opinions as opinions
No two people ever agree on everything. It is all about respecting people’s differences, and working within them to achieve harmony.
7 – Don’t take it out on the children
Whatever you do, never use children as pawns in your games. Never use them to win arguments. They will be suffering enough from the marital problems without that.
8 – Give the marriage every chance
If you quit on the marriage early, without exploring every possible avenue to try and save it, you could easily end up riddled with guilt feelings. Don’t accept the end, until you know for sure that it is the end.
9 – If you have to part, try to do it amicably
Divorces happen. They are a fact of life. If the marriage has to happen, try not to get caught up in negative feelings which can only impair your life in the future. At least try to respect the other person as a human being, even if the differences are irreconcilable.
10 – If the marriage has to end, do the best you can for your children
If you have tried every possibility to save the marriage, and it simply is not going to work, think of the people you brought into the world. You have a sacred moral duty to your children to provide and care for them whether you split up or not. Make sure your children always come first.
With these tips, you have every chance of saving your marriage, and working out a solution. Let the advice given here spur you on to seek the help you need to solve the problems of the most important relationship of your life.
Final Words
Thank you very much for reading! We hope you enjoyed and can make use of the information we provided in How To Save Your Marriage.
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